It's been a while since I've ventured into this area of my life...writing!
Woah.
There has been so much that has happened since 2016 and let alone what is happening in the world today.
Breathes.
I've been seeing numbers 1234...actually right now it is 12:34AM! I also woke up at 12:34PM today because my sleeping hours are all over the place now.
I know that wherever you are in the world, I want to say hello and I wish you well.
Reality is very convoluted at this moment and as someone who was once very much in control of every aspect of my life...well...I have had to adjust and accept.
What shall I write about first? I'm not sure.
For now, I feel like I have so many stories to share...because I've been carrying around a lot of suitcases full of my treasures.
It's been a couple of months and so much has happened in my life...
Something momentous in my reality has shifted recently. So much so that my outlook is that I am finally here. I am present. I figured it out. I figured out how to be present and how to take care of my mental mind. So much realizations have occurred in exactly the last 30 days... I don't feel like typing it all up as it seems like a blur now but it was important for my journey. I just wanted to document this...I know maybe it doesn't mean a lot to everyone else but to me it has been mind blowing and ground breaking.
Having said this...I am so thankful for my parents who gave me the opportunity to live. I am so thankful that I can play music and express in those ways. I am even more so thankful to my boyfriend. Because without him, I would not be where I am now. The small things that he have done for me has bettered my life and I just cry thinking about this... because I am so thankful and appreciative. And for once in my adult life, I don't have relationship dramas. I have wonderful friends, a great support system, and I am alive.
I am no longer privy to my fears. I am releasing them and letting them go. Yesterday, I found out that my weight gain over the last 13 years...has been a shield to protect myself. My biggest fears were that I would not survive on my own here on Earth that I would be poor and suffering but that I am not really poor and suffering but that my mind allowed me to think so. I have been adding on weight to ground myself..to protect myself from lifting up too high into the clouds, to not be seen, to not be noticed, and to not be able to be myself completely.
If you want to know the truth... I have been through a lot. I have. A spirit like me has been through quite a lot and I know there are many more who will have felt the same. Now, I am not depressed or anything. I just want to acknowledge my current path and empower myself that I have gone through certain difficult life experiences and that I chose this. I have to take responsibility for every action because if I cannot then I am not in control of my destiny or world. There is so much love and I Just want to keep being myself and sharing love to this world. I am finally feeling peace in my mind and in my heart. I finally am okay with myself failing, falling down, and not being the best. I am finally okay just being myself and loving the spirit that I am who has chosen to be here at this time.
The last few months, I have been "detoxing" from a lot of spiritual gurus and talks. Why? I just felt like it. I just felt like it was time for me to go within along with all my knowledge. And, that is what I feel is essential. We can go searching and taking and looking all our lives and of course we will find things but what if all of it is here right now. I am not talking about physical goods but I am talking about what is all of it is here right now...right now.
I am here. I am here. I am growing. I am expanding. I am working on the best me that I can be.
Some personal sharing...only because I am anonymous online.
All types of Abuse
Depression
Mid-Life Crisis
Dysfunctional Family
Alcoholic Family Members
Arrogant Self-Righteous Parent 1
Victimizing People Pleaser Parent 2
Non-interfering Sibling
Delusional 'old ways' family members
Continuous Family Drama
Perfectionism
Personal Dysfunctional Thoughts
Um... what else?
While this is my life story which I can build upon... I rarely disclose this to anyone. I mean, it sounds really crazy. I mean, I think a lot of people go through this stuff. No one knows this stuff entirely, except for one time when I went to see an intuitive healer and she asked me if I was sexually abused and well since I never told anyone, I would have never known that she would have known so I know she was really telling the truth.
But I'm not afraid anymore and I do not go onwards with a blaming or guilty feeling route. In fact, I think I went through these scenarios to learn a lot of Earth stuff all at once and it allows me to relate to many people easier. Also, being a super-sensitive person means I learn even more than just what happened but how they feel from just thinking about other people's situations. I say I have a pretty good grasp of shit that happens in life. So how do we transform it? How do we make it better for ourselves?
You know.. this is a transformative era. It's really time to take responsibility for everything that goes on in our lives. I mean... why would these bad things happen to us? No one deserves this! I certainly don't feel like I did but it happened. Why? Because we are on Earth. On Earth, there are a lot of messed up people. No offense. But sincerely, messed up people who continue to perpetuate their fears, bad habits, and their ideologies onto people. Why are some people placed in war-torn countries? Why are people being born in starving nations? I don't know why... and why would God put them there? I have no idea. I just wish I knew but I have no idea. Why did I go through so much suffering? I don't know. Why would I put myself in those scenarios? Yes, some of these fears do perpetuate from time to time but I am learning to let it go.
All I know is that at any point in time, I need to shift my attitude. I need to alter my present reality which will include a subtle or major shift in our present values, ideologies, and belief systems. We cannot change our past but we certainly can our perspective on it. Let it ruin it for you or let it empower you to be better than where you were. How will you let your experiences affect your life? I just want to say that it's okay if you feel you want to play the role of the victim... it's okay if you want to play the role of the perpetrator. Why do I say that? Because that is your free will. That's what Earth is... as beautiful as the planet is and how kind it is... human beings are the ones who have free will. So, there is a role and purpose for every being on Earth. As horrible as it is... that is how it is. However, it does not negate us from stepping up and taking action. For without people who protest or stand up for their rights then no change can occur. I applaud those who believe in humanity and have faith. They are our earth angels and something that we can look as for an example. It is only through immense suffering that allows for changes to occur. BUT... we are in an information technology age and we need to seek out answers for ourselves. We need to be curious, inquisitive, and ever wanting to grow, learn, experience, and expand. It is important to be to continually look for alternatives. To never buy into one reality and assume that there is all that there is. I am sorry I can not protect, save, or heal everyone. I can only wish that people can learn to protect, save, and heal themselves. For then, that act as a service to others. For we are always inspired by others... so be the inspiration. Go for it!
I do not feel sorry for myself so I do not ask people to feel sorry for me. This is my life and I have gone through a lot but I have also transformed my past. I do not let the past haunt me, instead I continue to live my life with compassion, love, and forgiveness.
That's all.
Sharing is caring. I might not make sense but again this is for me as well.
I just wanted to start off by saying 'Happy New Year!' to all my visitors. I wish you all a joyous, happy, and fulfilled year as we embark upon 2015. Whatever timeline or parallel reality you choose to be a part of, I hope it is one the one that you prefer to be in. Honestly, this is the best time of your life! Whether you have succeeded or struggled in the past year, all the accumulative experiences are here to enrich your life, help you grow as a 'human being', and each little part that you play plays a bigger part in humanity.
Listening is a very powerful way to show gratitude, appreciation, and compassion for all. Listening space is an earnest and intentional space to share ideas, curiosities, and to ask questions. Kindness is all that we ask for our visitors as we are all here on our own unique journeys. We also ask everyone to be open minded, authentic, and curious. Don't forget the first invitation is to listen and chat is to smile. SMILE.
Have you ever walked into a cafe and felt a wanting to spark up a conversation with someone? The listening cafe is just for this... it is a place to serve you not only delicious food and drinks but also to serve you. If you're feeling low, you can come and chat. If you're feeling proud, then you can come and share. So many of us crave for conversations and to share our situations, dreams, and realities... If you have a voice or something to share, you can freely share this. Imagine a space where people gather to share their life experiences and to simply chat. A place with the intention to serve others and yourself good food and good conversations. A place where strangers come in with the intention to meet other people. How about making a connection with someone and co-creating a special experience?
How to facilitate the listening cafe? Ideas.
1. Servers: How may I serve you? (Two meanings: What kind of food/drinks? What can I do to make your life better today) Delicious food where people want to come back for food. Organic food to allow for organic conversations to start.
2. Board on the wall: Question of the month (What do you think love is?)
3. Conversation Starters: Question notes on Mason Jars to get it going. Fill in the blank questions to share with a stranger. How to also end a conversation.
4. Reminders: Come in with an open mind and an open heart. Come to eat and drink delicious food and then replenish with a more open mind and compassionate space.
5. Books & Art for sale: Books on the matters of the heart, listening, and compassion. Donated books also to borrow and share and lend.
6. Delicious food that grows also in the studio with plants.
7. Kids art and creations area for play and curiosity building
8. Proceeds to support local businesses and nonprofit organizations
9. Inspired by K cafes. Share your experience. Wall of Dreams Cafe: Sharing wonderful dreams or wishing slips (inspired by Korean cafe) 1 Minute videos broadcasted online to share ideas.
10. Separate studio art space for gatherings/events/workshops: Meetings, Music, Listening How to, Parenting, Spiritual, Art...
11. Why not come to listen to music? listen to comedies? listen to inspirational talks?
The look is very natural with wood. Imagine a warm, bright, and caring space that is moldable and buildable where anything is possible.
The other night after I made my post... a glimmer of sparkle appeared in my room. It did catch me off guard as it was high above the wall but I know it was all that was needed for me to see. I gave a quick smile as I realized that as much as I like to sometimes play the 'lonely' game... I know I am not. Why is it so easy to forget our connections daily? I know I am awakening to living this life daily but sometimes in the middle of my thoughts, I forget. I simply forget. It is as if I forget to only discover the pleasures of finding again. It is as if finding and remembering are little packets of gifts that I send to myself... in moments of despair. I guess that's the human life with it's tribulations and challenges. I am thankful that I am connected... I also got the idea or the thought which came to me afterwards that perhaps I have been integrating many aspects of myself.
Hence, it is all within me and the thought of wanting to see it outside of me still harbours on the idea that I don't believe that it is all me or that I am the creator of the my reality and universe. I find so many meanings in every day life... from the smallest things to the larger things. All this knowledge and analyzing and deciphering really makes me appreciate this lifetime here. I am at times just living in my own reality. How lucky am I? But we are all lucky in actuality because we get to play the roles that we always wanted...whether we know it consciously or not.
We play the roles that we play because we believe this is the way or one of the ways to best benefit ourselves and the world. I sometimes feel like we are energy in a petri dish...there but not there. Seen and not seen and only visible to those who know where to look. I am letting my thoughts run right now and this is what I am thinking. I usually try not to edit my thoughts unless for the perusal spelling errors. I like to write down my thoughts because this is what I think about in merely 5 minutes... Imagine all day except for when I am doing my projects or sleeping or socializing. It's fun though! :)
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The reason also why I wanted to post an update today was because I had a strange feeling during noon. I felt like I was hungry? Or... I was not sure but I was thinking about eating a particular type of food. Then suddenly this burst of happiness and energy expanded from my stomach area and upwards towards my face as I suddenly smiled. I cannot really pinpoint exactly if I have felt this kind of energy coming from me before...but it was a warm feeling (not physical) but a warm like feeling that was gentle yet powerful.
It felt like a wave of endorphins rushed over me and I was smiling from side to side. I just wanted to remember this moment because I suddenly now had the moment of clarity that it may of came from something more. I forgot about the chakras but remembered them just now. Indeed I feel like it did come from the third chakra and that is the solar plexus. The solar plexus chakra (Googled link) is where I just learned that is it the centre of our willpower.
Excerpt below taken from link above.
The Solar Plexus Chakra, located between the navel and solar plexus, is the core of our personality, our identity, of our ego.
The third chakra is the center of willpower. While the Sacral chakra seeks pleasure and enjoyment, the third chakra is all about the perception of who you are.
The gift of this chakra is sensing your personal power, being confident, responsible, and reliable.
The third chakra is the center of your self-esteem, your willpower, self-discipline, as well as warmth in your personality.
The energy of this chakra allows you to transform inertia into action and movement. It allows you to meet challenges and mover forward in your life.
Ofcourse I have felt energy coming from within my tummy before but this time it was different. It was all of a sudden and it caught me off guard because I was watching a drama online. I wonder if it's because I recently starting utilizing the tools of Ho'oponopono earnestly. How am I using this? Anytime I see suffering, hate, or anything in my view of the world that I see as not right, I quietly say this: "I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you."
Why do I say this? I believe it's because in my belief system. I see that we are the viewers of our lives. Therefore, we are the ones who make the judgements and the condemnation. This does not mean that I allow this to continue happening but I take the moment to think outside of myself. I connect with the bigger meaning and the possible reasons behind the acts. I make a discernment that while this is not cool for me...I will not let it affect my memories and cells. I know human beings are not perfect. In fact, no one is and that is the reality of things.
We do things out of reactive impulses and especially when we are not connected to our true inner selves. We grow up in situations or choose to choose to be in situations sometimes for whatever reason. I don't forget but I choose not to let it affect me daily. I forgive because I choose to cancel out all the karma and the negative energy that comes within harbouring a possible growth in hate, hopelessness, and fear. I love you because if I don't love you then I don't truly love myself. I want to love myself because I know it is a reflection of myself to the universe that I want to embody while I am here.
Could you imagine if we as a whole nation of beings coming together to express sorry, forgiveness, and above all love? Just imagine it for a second... and then increase to 20 seconds. Imagine that and we would be one step closer to what we wish for the world and for our children.
I guess you can say... I think the way you speak to yourself and to others daily make a profound effect in your life. I don't know how to explain the physics of things and I am not going to even start. All I know is... life is an experiment and I like to try things with the most positive intention. It is fun and exciting to me!
When I was young... I never understood the idea of being a monk. I thought...what a waste of time. What is the point of sitting and meditating all day? Why not take action? Why not make a difference? It was also my initial journey of questioning and of why certain things were happening in the world. I was not aware of the idea of 'energy' much less than what I only learned in Grade 8 science about atoms and protons. Why did they not teach us more than that? Why if everything was made up of atomic elements...then why weren't we taught the connection to ourselves? Of course, I understand why. The teachers did not know...they regurgitated what was taught to them or what was in the curriculum. They were young teachers anyways, straight out of university and just doing their job. Why would they question what was already been taught? They may even be judged for bringing elements of their beliefs in their teachings. So, I understand and I forgive them for their circumstances.
I think looking back... I always felt a sense of responsibility. Ever since I was in Grade 4, I always thought of myself as someone who would make a difference in the world. I had such a need to help others and to put myself out there to make a difference. Somehow down the road, I forgot about all that...and I was much more simple minded too back then. I excelled and I was inspiring to my fellow classmates. I'm happy that I was able to inspire them as they would later tell me. I never doubted my confidence and I was never cocky about it. I worked hard. The reason why was because I cared and I worked hard. I was bullied but I never showed hate towards my bullies...I confronted them or remained true to me despite the physical pains. Beneath all of that, I put myself 100% in everything that I did.
And then I forgot. I know I keep mentioning about me forgetting but I did. I forgot who I really was...and I fell into depression. Because I started to doubt myself and compared myself to others. I started to let delusions take over and procrastinate. I lost my sense of childlikeness who believed in everything and in others. I forgot my connection to myself...
Update while re-reading my post: I realized that we cannot blame others for what we do not know and did not know at that time. It is our responsibility to seek the answers that speak our truth and to remember our connection to others and ourselves.
But monks do make a difference in the world. They balance out all the negative energy that is spread in pockets of the world... in face they envelop a blanket over all of this and putting out an energy of love, peace, and compassion. Look at the Dalai lama and you will know what I mean. Everyone plays an important role no matter how big or small. I now realize that this is so important...and so I am thankful for those who put away their materials needs to benefit the humankind. I won't be a monk in this lifetime but I'm sure a part of my multidimensional self has been.
That's the thing... it's about connecting and remembering our multidimensional selves. When we are able to recognize this we will realize that everything is us. If we speak loving kind words to everything, we are speaking loving kind words to ourselves. Whatever happened in the past is the past and as cliche as that sounds it is literally in the past. I think I have been through a lot...there's a lot of secrets that for sure could of overtaken my life story but I don't choose to live in that victimhood. Why? It is too tiring to be in that life... that is why. I just want to explore my best potential. Just remember, everyone is or has gone through shit. It is never as easy as it seems and if it was you I hope you remember how much you've gone through and how much you are loved.
But alas, I'm happy that I still have memories of my younger self which I am choosing some to shape my over identity. I do believe that we are always changing and growing. In fact, I do not like stability. I feel like stability to me means that I am constantly changing and growing. I do feel like I do not live the life of many others... in fact I am coming into terms with this. I chose to live the life that I want to and I need to keep going. :)
I completely went off tangent but that's okay. I write this to remind myself of what I was like and where I am. I write this as a mental note that everything's going to be okay. And if it does help someone...then I am very thankful for this.
I just want to note a few videos that I have been watching just today to put together some of my thoughts. I hope you'll give them a try.
Goosebump Feelings from these videos:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHcZjk0YtKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5xZyvbxUeY
Life's Eternal Liberator - Matt Kahn/TrueDivineNature.com
What coincidence! Thank you for the inspiration and reminder. Just the video I wanted to hear from my previous thoughts.
Listen to the above talk with this mediation video below. :)
I feel like I have been doing bi-yearly updates! Why, hello again! Saying the word hello reminds me of Adele's current top song 'Song'. I just love the timbre of her voice... it's emotional, powerful, yet understating. I just love the 'Hello' part.
It's been awhile and I just had the spur of the moment thought to update on this blog.
Life has been interesting. I have sprung forward into following my passions and it's been a lot of fun and a lot of work when you're your own boss. Besides this and when I have downtime, my thoughts do tend to form and ponder about a few things...
Some of the interesting thoughts I have are...
"Why am I doing this?" - Do I need a reason such as passion in my story?
"Why do I have to do this?"- Could I just not sleep all day?
"Why work so hard?" - Do I need to do something to prove that I am capable or responsible in this world?
"Why don't I just follow the crowd and get a regular job?" - Life could be mundane but at least you get weekends off...
"What am I doing here?" - I am my body and I have my mind. But what is my existence here at this time?
It's interesting because... I have asked these questions when I was depressed too. Now, I am coming from a perspective of not being depressed so I find this interesting too.
Bashar talks about following your passion and then if it's not exciting then move on to the next. I find that this is very exhilarating but when you follow your passion you must also share this passion with others to keep the moment going and connect with others who feel the same.
I guess... lately sometimes I feel just numb in the world. I do see so much going on but I remind myself that I am the only me here at this time and how can I make my time here worthwhile. How can I live my life fully? Then I came to realize recently that I still have a fear...and while I have recognized it too, I still seem to be choosing it as part of my life story. I intend to let it go soon but there's something there that is intriguing too. I ask myself... why am I afraid that I won't be able to make it alone? I know I am not physically alone but I mean in the earnest of things like having my own home and owning my own things. For some reason, I have a fear of not being able to support myself. Yet, I go out there and start my own business to support myself too. It's very ironic and it contradicting. I know I have so much support and perhaps this is an issue to do with money. I think a part of me wants more money yet a part of me relies on myself too much to make the money. I am curious to make more money not because I am money hungry but because I think it's something that I genuinely am a bit afraid of. Money is just energy and I know I can attract. I am easily amazed by how some people attract this type of abundance in their life. I know I can attract it but I'm not sure where my fear is... perhaps is it because I have never once had a full time job in my life? Yes, it seems weird because in society to not have a full time job is like... what are you doing? But at the same time... I am surviving. I don't want to wish upon myself disaster in order for me to grow... I get that there are different realities that I can choose and I am not interested in those life altering moments. I know I can let go of this fear...
But in the midst of all this, I am busy and having fun! I also realized that I have stopped relying on listening to anything... I know it's so weird. Maybe I am applying all that I have learned now... but I find myself not needing all the information. Yes, once in awhile I do but I don't rely on it. I just go on with my day and live in the moment. Which also worries me because I sometimes feel like I am not connected. For instance, I don't get any more visions. I don't see or feel anything. In fact, I just feel like I am alone. This is not a negative feeling or a depressing feeling. I just feel still and for someone who thinks and rambles a lot... this empty space is interesting. I am also thankful that I am forgetful which makes emotional experiences less toxicating.
Has anyone gone to this state? I question this because I have created my own reality. I constantly say, "No, thank you" or "thank you" to many circumstances aloud. For someone who relies so much on outer acknowledgement, I somehow now feel like man... I have to acknowledge myself. I mean I'm sure my guardian angels and so forth spiritual mentors are around but I don't sense or feel anyone. I'm not going to lie...it makes me feel a little sad. Hence, I sometimes wonder if I am doing the right thing... I really hope so. I just want to be the best me!
I have now even openly allowed myself to open my third eye. But I don't see anything..or I have created such a strong reality that I just filter through all that. I just want to say 'Hello' and tell all my guides that I miss you and I hope you're doing well. I am doing okay but it would be nice to reconnect some day. I know with my clearer mind that I am very focused... I just hope I am living the best life that I can. I just want to help and be the best version I can for the world. I want to be living proof of what my dreams and beliefs are. I don't want to die a hero but to live a life that was fulfilling. I cherish so many things... because I don't know if I'll be back on Earth the next time around. Well, actually I have decided not to return. But I'm sure in parallel realities I'll still be around. Until then, I really cherish all human beings, animals, plants, and everything. I just cherish these special memories because everything is just a blink away.
In case I do become really wealthy one day, I just want to say that I take it as a humbling experience to further my gifts and other's gifts. I intend to use it to benefit society in the most positive way and to create opportunities and experiences that uplift humanity and all beings. I am very strong minded and heart minded and I am not easily manipulated. This is because I choose not to be and I know I cannot help or save everyone. But everyone deserves a chance...good or bad we are all here to learn and grow. I am sending a message to my future self...to remember that I did manifest it and it is now my responsibility to use it well and to share this knowledge that they too can create for themselves. I'm sorry if I am not able to help all that asks...but know that your asking means that you want a better life for yourself and therefore your asking will lead to many more solutions to your challenges. I have utmost respect for those who are not afraid to ask for help and I forgive all who may not think it is fair. If we vibe on the same level, I'm more than willing to help. If we can work together to create a more loving world, then let's connect. Remember, it is my choice and you too have choices. Love, peace, and compassion to all who are kind, caring, and graceful.
I hope you are all living your life and even if it's tough...stay positive. Everyone is unique and special. I wish you all well. :)
The third chakra is the center of willpower. While the Sacral chakra seeks pleasure and enjoyment, the third chakra is all about the perception of who you are.