A Few Thoughts: Dreaming Up Your Life

Over the weekend and despite all the family drama... My boyfriend surprised me with a birthday party!

It made me realize how much of light he has given me. He has uplifted in more ways than he will ever know but I realized that he is always looking out for my BEST interest. He truly cares deeply about me and I have to say, with our relationship, we delve into the moments and we go with the flow. What I mean is that I don't let any part of myself (negatively) get in the way of things. I openly share my thoughts and feelings and he understands that those are just things that I am going through. I mean, we have been together for 10 years so we have progressed a lot in a decade. I am just so thankful for all his love! He really makes all my dreams come true...

I haven't really organized a birthday party since my 21st birthday and it has been a while. I really did not expect anything this year. I don't expect anything at all for any birthdays. However, this year I was thinking that I should have a birthday party but other things got in the way and I slowly began thinking that it was too late to plan something and who do I invite? Should I do a girl's night or a bigger party or do them in separate groups? So, I overwhelmed myself.

Hence, I was so surprised when I saw all of my friends! I had told my bf that I really wanted an experiential birthday party - where people can do something and he made it happen! I just casually mentioned it with no expectation. It was just a thought because that's more fun! We all made pizzas and it was a lot of fun! :*)

I am so thankful for all my friends and others who I did not expect to be so kind to me. I even received gifts and for that, I was even more truly blessed because I know people are spending money already and taking their day off to be there. So, I was really surprised! I just haven't given gifts in a long time and it reminded me that I too need to be more giving - in any way. It was kind of weird... a lot of things that I have always wanted suddenly manifested!

It was like...how did they read my mind? I just find it amazing and everything I receive I absolutely loved it! I felt the sincerity of each present and that really warmed my heart.

I am finally letting go...

Hello Well-wishers!

I have been going through a lot in the last couple of days... It's been interesting. Before I explain what's been going on... I am currently making an appeal to my family. Actually, I am not communicating with my parents because I am sick and tired of the way they talk to each other. I am withdrawing communications with them for now...and even though today is my birthday and so is my mom's...I am standing strong on my actions. It's been a hard lesson to learn but I finally got the idea of not caring so much.

My dad is complete mute, arrogant, emotion-less expressing and completely rude and self-righteous. My mom is a good natured women but a people pleaser, tendency to over dramaticize everything, and complain thus spilling out negativity. I am reminded to have compassion for my parents but this is so incredibly hard... Especially when I believe that human beings need to be constantly evolving. So, I don't understand why people don't work out their issues and try to heal and grow and become a better person. I just don't understand this concept. I know it might sound naive but I am a very hopeful person. I always believe that if anything, I can have at least an impact on my parents...to guide them to new ways of thinking. But the last day and so, instead of being quiet about it, I spoke up and I was very forceful and demanding for an explanation for why this is. Why am I in such a polarized family? How can someone be so cold? How am I suppose to help my parents evolve when one of them is so absolutely cannot beared to be around. And how do I deal with a mom who consistently take the blame for herself and demand that she is the root of all these issues.. so we have one parent who takes the blame and the other who blames everyone else but themselves. It is so hard to get into their frequencies because each time I try I have to try to get to them but I can't. It upsets me and makes me feel powerless because innately I know they have chosen their personas...however still I believe in parallel realities. This sense of alienation in my family has always been felt... they really don't understand where I come from and I really don't understand where they come from. It's like I deliberately chose this family to learn about differences, polarities, and two opposite extremes. Almost like a war... my goodness. How can such things exists...? But they do.

I have never felt betrayal in my life but yesterday was the first time. I am transforming it as an observation of my life and I will not carry those resentments but I finally felt what human beings feel when they feel that way. It is not a nice feeling to have and you certainly don't expect it to come from your family. Truly, there are a copious amount of miscommunications and I am tired of it. I don't want to come back next life time to deal with it either. It is life draining and completely a reality that I get. That's just who they are. I cannot change who they are and they will never be able to change who I am. I just absolutely don't get my parents. I have compassion but I don't understand my dad.

For now I am making to a statement to the universe. I no longer want to be responsible for his ascension and higher self growth. I don't know how to do it in this physical reality. I'm sure there are a million ways but right now I don't feel there is anything that I can do. I need to let it go and stop judging it for what it is. All I can express for him is compassion... because I know he had a tough life. And all I can do also is to connect with his higher self. I can not at this point access his physical self unless by some kind of divine intervention from his higher self, souls, and guardian angels that he wants to explore that concept of letting go and being able to express himself. I do not want to bear the responsibility of helping him evolve. I feel that I personally take too much emotional care for my parents and I cannot handle it anymore. I realized that I started feeling 'guilty' for not being able to help my parents but I cannot let that over take my ability to be compassionate. At some point in adult life, I have to let it go. I also do not want to come back and have to deal with this again. I know everyone has dysfunction in their family... and I didn't realized how much I went through also. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction and I pray that I can relinquish and overcome all my fears. I pray for my parents and for their ability to learn to cooperate, love, and be able to work with one another. Everyone wants the best for their parents.. in fact I don't even care for their approval or support. I don't. I don't need it. I fulfill and nourish my own soul because I can't depend on anyone but myself to make myself feel better. I don't know what's going to happen next... I know my brother and boyfriend supports me. Well, I certainly support myself. If they think I have caused a rift in their family, then hopefully one day they will know my intentions. I always come from good intentions and yes, I admit I like to shake things up when there is no change. I am not afraid to speak my voice and each day I feel like I am becoming more empowered. No longer will I be okay with old ways of thinking. This is not how I envision my reality to be. I have to realize that in this life journey, I cannot force my parents to be in a certain way. As much as I want a happy family, it's all an illusion. Real families have issues and I am no longer afraid to let the world know. I am not afraid to break through the barriers of anonymity and suffering behind closed doors. Feelings are important and I never learned how to fully express myself. With a mute and arrogant father, I didn't learn anything from him except to not be like him. And with a mother who always asserted her righteousness but in a more positive way and wanting to please other people...I too learned that if others are happy around me then I would be happy. But if others were not, then something is wrong with me. When there is absolutely nothing NOTHING wrong with me.

I was thinking how hard this journey through life is... and before you judge me and say oh there's other people who have been through worse. Well yes, there are. Hence, I am very thankful and appreciative always. I truly am but sometimes I just gotta vent.

A few things I have learned from this scenario...

• I have to get my life and shit together. 
• I have to let go of trying to control my parents even if it is from very good intentions. 
• I have to focus on myself. 
• I have to persevere and have the courage to be myself.
• I am no longer responsible for my parents and especially my dad's direct spiritual growth. I do not want to bare the burden of it anymore. I give back the responsibility to God and let the universe assist him. I just can't... it just tears me apart me seeing that we are so disillusioned here but this is why we are here to learn. I cannot be responsible for my parents. I just have to let it go before I become like them. 
• I will overcome my own issues and do the best I can to be me. 

There's one thing that my dad said which rung true: "Don't be like me!" Yup, he's right. He's so hurt that he cannot even put together what the pain was. I have a lot of compassion for what has happened to him... trust me I do. But, we have to evolve as human beings and it's time to garner that power of expression. If we cannot express and fully be ourselves, then we cannot be the best that we can be. Our potentiality is infinite... and our higher selves know that. I wish their higher selves would connect with them and I am sending my angels to their way. I believe in the power of prayer and maybe that's all I can do...

I am reminded by this quote...

"In a gentle way, you can shake the world" - Gandhi

Well, instead of gently shaking ... I shook everyone up! Whoops... I got learn from the ET and our space friends. Non-interference. Boy, I just like to dip my nose in everything! Haha...

Thanks for reading! Sending everyone out there prayers...

Oh it's my birthday today and now I am going to go out! I'm not going to let my parents relationships ruin my life.

These are my thoughts...

Things that I am learning about lately...

It just occurred to me that I always feel like I have to justify that these are my thoughts. I guess it is because I don't know if other people feel the same way and a part of me fears that people will think that I am weird. Ha! I am sort of crazy - out of the box - creative person so...

Trust. Go with the Flow. And Letting Go of the Control. 

I am a control freak! I mean...c'mon now. I am obviously try to learn how to control my emotions and everything in my life so I have control issues. I learned that today with everything that I am doing with teaching... I allow people to help me and to fulfill my vision. Whenever I have been feeling that I must do more, I calm myself down and say to myself... "The universe I trust the universe...everything will be alright...i allow the flow to come to my life... trust. I trust that everything will be work out great!"It is such a relief when you realize that your reality is just how you perceive it. If you allow the little details to get to you while you are already on your way then you are now being in the moment. Why put so much work and effort and then not relax into it? There's the paradox and when you are in the centre point then the universe always bring to you the best reality outcome.

Subconscious mind. Lucid Dreaming. Empowered Being. Turning something fearful to positive. 

I haven't been able to sleep much. I think it has to do with all the thinking or interests I have in my mind. So sometimes when I sleep really late and have to wake up, that's when I get the most lucid state of dreams. It's almost like the inception movie! Like this one time, I was in a dream within a dream and within a dream. I kept waking up from each dream and finally I woke up to this reality! It was really cool... I was in the same room but each time I woke up I thought I was really in that reality only until I finally woke up and came back to this reality. I learned from that dream that there are multiple parallel realities happening at the same time... just which one am I choosing to wake up and participate in?

So I got side tracked from the original story I wanted to talk about... The other day, I only slept for 2 hours... late night sleeping and early awakening puts my body in a state of distress. I know so because I mentally tell my body that I have to wake up at a certain time so it knows. Anyways... I had some really strange dreams. Dream 1: I was being molested or raped. I mean... I didn't feel like it was completely sexual but some person was on top of me and holding me down. It was very forceful and a very unpleasant feeling. It was also very dark and I was screaming. Somewhere in my mind... I started thinking 'Wake Up! Wake Up!" I was literally screaming at myself in the dream to wake the fuck up. It was so strong that I did wake up. But, I soon realized that I either had slipped back into that reality or a parallel reality just next to it because again I was being held down. This time it was a similar scenario but it was after I had realized that I had woken up already. Then I was thinking... my god why am I in this scenario again so I was screaming at the top of my lungs to wake up! "Wake UP!!! WAKE UP!!! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!" I finally awoke and thank goodness I was finally awake. So I was kind of shaken by that dream because I immediately thought... what the fuck was that about? And ofcourse my mind was swirling... was it...

- another parallel reality
- a past life experience
- an encounter with other beings where the energies were misinterpreted
- a current co-existing parallel reality (going through someone else's reality)
- my own imagination
- an exchange of spiritual energy
- fears played out

etc... etc...

Anyways, I don't know and I will probably never figure it out. However, I realized that I did not fear the situation. What could of been interpreted as a fearful experience...well I have decided to turn it to a positive learning experience. As I know that everything that we do or experience here on earth is about learning more about ourselves. From my conclusion, I realized that I have the ability to shift realities. I don't really know how to explain myself but what I learned is that I have the power to create my reality. Luckily, this happened in dream world and I was able to lucidly wake myself up. What did I shift? How did I shift? I simply shifted my focus - thus by waking myself up. I remember Bashar saying that we are living the dream and reality is just a dream that we are asleep in. It's kind of confusing but basically instead of channeling fear, I felt empowered. I mean, I woke myself up and told myself to shift. I have been asking to learn more about how to shift parallel realities and working on my mentality so maybe this is a way for me to learn. No hard feelings.

Dimensional Shifts. Parallel Universes. MH370. Plane Vanishing. Prayer. Love to all!

So... I have been obsessed lately with the Malaysia MH370 plane disappearance. To be honest, I don't really look into the news too much as a lot of the stuff is either depressing, disillusioned, and or overly dramatic. No offense. But my goodness... I am so very intrigued. When it first disappeared, I just had the inkling thought that it had shifted to another parallel universe. I have no idea why that planed shifted. I have no idea what the higher purpose is. However, I do know that since my current 'inquiry' is on parallel shifting and realities... it is ever so present to me that we are powerful and that we can shift. I mean, a huge plane filled with 200 people just suddenly disappearing with no trace... Bermuda Triangle similarities? I have been praying for the families and the passengers. I know they are alive and they are probably just very confused and I really hope our space friends are helping them in any way possible and that they be open for help. I mean, our space friends already know how to open dimensional portals and etc... we just really need to work together and learn how to! I hope the world will soon know about our space friends so that we can truly transcend to higher beings. I believe everything happens for a reason and although I feel like we may never find them but they may find a way to come back to us. Who knows? Anything can happen as reality is now very fluid in my mind. I mean, the fact that they could possibly go back in time or be forward in time is mind blowing. Our whole idea of reality can no longer sustain the one dimensional linear time frame... Clearly, there's more to it than just 'us' here. Anyone who listens and looks deep within will realize that there's something more out there. Anyways, I am not here to convince anyone. Ha! I just believe what I want to believe... So, for now I am sending love and prayers to them. If I knew how to navigate through portals...c'mon I know somehow out there does! So how can we as a society go forth with this path? I bet there are some people out there who know...

By the way, I do not buy into conspiracy theories that are based out of fears. I have no time for that and it is something that I was very drawn into at first when I stepped into my spiritual path. But now I have moved past that even though I will acknowledge their reality. Because every reality exists so we cannot judge their existent. It exists for a purpose. The purpose serves those who are in the same frequency... plus so many people base their businesses, life stories, etc... on from fear and so they share with us their points of view. As an observer... we can all learn from each other whether it is negative or positive.

Some of my favourite quotes at the moment...

"This too shall pass."

“In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” - Gandhi

ho'oponopono

"I am sorry

Please forgive me

I love you 

Thank you"

"Select

Project

Eject

Collect?

"Whenever you are, and whatever you do, be in love." - Rumi 

"Circumstances don’t matter. Only my state of being does." - Bashar

"So what?" - Bashar

"Have faith."

"Are you having fun?"

Courage

Today, I am praying for courage.

The courage to take a leap of faith. The courage to follow my passions. The courage to be myself.

I am afraid of rejection and failure. Sometimes, I am afraid of not being supported EVEN THOUGH I know that the universe supports me at all times. It's almost as if I allow myself to be scared so that I can stay comfortable at where I am at.

Today, I am praying for courage.

For myself, for others, and for anyone who desires to live their life authentically.

I am asking God/Universe, angels, my higher-self, my guides, my multi-dimensional family for support. I deserve it. I know I can do it. I have value and can add value to the world. I need the emotional support from within myself. I want to channel my inner Goddess and power within.

Today, I am praying for courage.

I need courage to overcome all my fears. All I want to do is accomplish my dreams and goals. I am clear on my intentions and I know that all I need is a shift in my attitude, mindset, and beliefs.

I believe in myself.

I am sorry.

Please forgive me.

I love you.

Thank you.

As I am writing this, I just thought of ho'oponopono... I remember doing a meditation last week and Dr. Lew was leading the meditation. He wanted us to connect with our inner child by imagining yourself standing next to your inner child. It really made me tear up because with all the encouragement that I give to children, I sometimes don't give them to myself. So, when I was imagining the little 5 year old me, I got really emotional. I realized I have been through a lot in this lifetime... a lot of things that I do not let them effect me now. I could of taken any of those situations and made it my personal life story, and I did choose one. And it could of been a lot more emotional. I wish, I could of been there for my little 5 year old self but I couldn't because I am here now. So, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you. Now, as a grown woman I have forgiven and let go a lot of the pass. I view those moments as momentarily realities and I am thankful for the learning experiences. As I think about it, I know that it makes me a more compassionate person because I have personally lived through those experiences. Whatever the plan was for me here on Earth, I feel like everything has been accelerated for me. I am relearning and learning many things at once which is overwhelming but I'm starting to get the hang of it. The only thing I am working on is balancing my emotions. It is only me that is holding me back from being the true me in this reality.

Today, I am praying for courage.

God Bless!

Hello! Update!

Hello Well-Wishers,

Just wanted to share with you an update on my current thoughts and feelings...

As always, I am here to document my own personal growth and journey here on Earth and I know my thoughts and feelings are ever changing.

BTW, this list is really random.

• When you unscramble the words of earth, it can spell heart! :) E A R T H = H E A R T 
• Visualize the outcome and not the process. The process will prolong the manifestation, unless it serves you to go through that experience. Then own it, acknowledge it, and move on
• I am feeling happy! Maybe... it's because I am contributing to the world more. That's the true essence of me. I love to give and help!
• My moods 100% have an effect on my productivity. Shift. Shift. Shift. Consciously. I must remember to not let circumstances deter me from my true being. I am in control and from this control is actually flow.
• I desire to get back into exercising. I again have let my moods and ego put me in a sedative state where the thought of 'I don't feel like going...' is taking over. It's time for me to regain my power back. No more excuses.
• I have many dreams and I know in time they will come true. :) I know it. I believe my dreams will benefit many people. One day, my voice will be heard. I can be me and you can be you too!
• My boyfriend is so sweet. I am very thankful for the co-creation of a wonderful relationship. Communication is the core of a lasting friendship and relationship. I'll tell you a secret... When you own your own power, no one can take it away from you. That sort of self-empowerment is very attractive. It's the fine balance between being a independently conscious and interweaving or co-creating with another. Does it make sense? Just remember this: Above all else, you are always in a relationship with yourself first. Then, you can truly have authentic relationships with other people. How can someone love you, if you don't love yourself? It's only when you understand that form of 'love' then can you have the other person mirror it back to you. Shift. Change. Experiment. Challenge. Stand up for. Honour your self. Love you and you will receive the love back in any way, shape, or form!
• We are also celebrating our 10 years this year... yes, we are high school sweethearts. <3
• Must not forget to practice Ho'oponopono! Before my spiritual awakening, this was my first introduction to learning to forgive oneself and love oneself fully. It is so simple, yet so powerful. It's just words. But is it? I believe it is powerful. I believe affirmations are powerful. Spend 17 seconds on it as suggested by Abraham Hicks and you will attract similar thoughts! Spend 68 seconds on it and you have momentum going! Similarly, I have learned not to leave thoughts unattended. Because, where you have left them last vibrationally is where they stand. Especially whatever we have suppressed. It doesn't just go away until you transform and/or transcend that energy into something else - more positive. No one can do this but yourself. That's the honest truth. Only you can undo what you were thinking of! No one else can have influence on you because if you deem other people can, then you are giving away your own inner power. Actually, you are never really giving away any real power... but it sure creates that effect and mirror and so you will create a reality where that reflection will happen... or attract one!
• Ibogaine: I just found out about it! A very interesting spiritual enhancing drug. Somehow, learning about this drug has altered my beliefs about taking drugs. I wonder if it could help my uncle who is an alcoholic? I'm going to pray about this.
• While I love Bashar and Daryl Anka's work... I feel lately that I am easing off of his teachings. I think it's because Bashar's underlying message is quite clear and I can predict most of the time what he is trying to make us aware of. Basically, it is now time for me to really put those ideas into practice. I feel so much like a sponge...always absorbing information.
• I am learning how to be more assertive. At times, I shift between judging myself as being not good enough and feeling that anything I demand or wish will come true. I'm not sure why I choose to sabotage myself... there certainly are still belief systems that I am unearthing. I am ready to let go of self-sabotage. It's not serving me at the moment. I don't know where it's source truly is and frankly, I don't care. All I know is that, I care about my own wellbeing and I care about the wellbeing of other people. I should not feel incompetent because I genuinely feel that I am a loving human being. I know I add value to the world.
• Smile & be thankful. I truly am thankful for everything and everyone who has come across my path. I have learned a lot from them about myself. I learn who I want to be and who I choose to be. That is the essence of it all isn't it? To play, dream, create, and experience. As Bashar says, if you want enlightenment than just 'lighten up!' Something that I do a lot nowadays is when I get too emotional or serious... I stop my thinking process and as myself 'Am I having fun?' and usually it's not so I realize how dramatic I have made things to be. Really, it doesn't need to be. So, always ask yourself... is this fun? If it's not, then move on! Why bother defending yourself in those type of situations. You are only trying to prove your worth! Well, better transform those energies into something more light and positive... I don't know. Like, get to the bottom of things. I know it's tough. I am learning too. But, frankly, I don't have time for BS these days. It's almost as if I have a BS radar. I just don't buy into that reality. And, I am also much better at not taking things too personally.

I should get some rest! Take care everyone!

:) 

Frequencies

Somethings happened today that I just wanted to jot down before I forget them...

We were eating sushi tonight and suddenly the waitress who was in a hurry to pour water into our cups cracked one of the hot teacups in half!

The way she was pouring... I felt her energy and it was so hurried and annoyed. She actually was able to break the cup in half while pouring the hot water into the cup. I mean, I kind of felt something would happen because she was so hurried. She probably didn't mean to manifest that but that surely manifested in front of her face. She probably felt so overwhelmed and confused with the events of the day... well she did manifest it with her emotions!

So that was an interesting thing I observed!

Our emotions are indeed very powerful...

I feel empowered when I know who I want to associate with and who I don't!

I do not like it when people tell me what to do do.

Case in point:

There's a friend of a friend of mine who I don't really vibe well with. She doesn't know I feel that way but ever since the last time when she yelled at her best friend... I just did not understand. She's quite vocal so I guess that's what you get.

Anyways...

I do not like people telling me what to do!

There were these two 40 year old scumbags at the club who were being very rude. Ofcourse, he was trying to get my friend's attention and to I'm sure make out with her and so he bought everyone drinks. I said no but he insisted! We all cheers and I gave my drink away! Hey, when I say I don't drink, I don't drink and plus I don't know who they are. I am not the type of girl to get free drinks and especially from weird old guys.

So that friend of a friend of mine goes up to me and tells me that I should of drank it and spit it out to me and my other friend. I was thinking in my head: don't tell me what to do! If I don't want to put alcohol shit into my mouth then I don't want to. I don't need to show respect to these guys in anyway because I don't even know them! Like, maybe if I was in Korea and where you must drink with your colleagues and bosses then I'd make an exception but I don't even know them.

So I told her that I would not drink it! And maybe she felt like she was helping but I don't give a shit. If I don't want to drink, then I don't want to drink.

Secondly, these old dudes just kept getting on my nerve.  I am not the type of girl to let people talk to me in a rude and degrading way just to get my attention. If it's pretty clear that I am not looking at you or giving you any acknowledgement then I do not care. So this old dude starts telling me that I am drinking his bottle of water. What? My friend bought me that water bottle and he started giving me this bad annoying vibe like I should be thankful. Excuse me! I was so psst off that I really wanted to punch this rude guy in the face. Disgusting!

So I know had I went home and just dropped by to say 'hello' then none of this would of happened so perhaps I asked for it. And the universe confirmed to me that this is not my thing... I just don't get it. My friend was so drunk that she was attracting all these weird dudes... It got to the point where we had to 'protect' her instead of have fun with her. I do not understand why people do that to themselves... it just makes clubbing not fun and instead a posse of friends just looking out. I mean, I know it was her birthday but still...

Recurring physical discomfort... Cold Sore

My first cold sore appeared to me in late January of last year, 2013.  Up until then, I have never had a cold sore in my life and that is 26 years of my life. I presumed I was under a lot of stress because I was under a lot of self-doubt last year. A lot of things were suppose to happen for me and I was superbly mentally stress. 

Now, it has come back this year... Why? I don't know why but I suspect it must have to do with things that I have not completely dealt with. I believe there must be alignment between our mind, body, and emotions if we are to be in a balanced healthy state. So when something is off, it is co-created with my other body parts. 

I tried looking up for the spiritual symptoms of the cold sore besides the physical symptoms... and it led me to read that it has to do with built up anger and or polar feelings of one self. I have to say, I have been experiencing all of those recently. In fact, a couple days of ago I was in bed rest for 2 1/2 days, not for any physical reasons but for my emotional/mental reasons. I was feeling sad. I just could not get the thought out of my mind. But I recovered on Tuesday and I felt all better. Then, I started to get my cold sore today and I realized that my last cold sore was exactly a year ago. It's amazing how the body remembers...which adds more to the reason of why I have not let go of whatever issues I have. 

A few hours ago, I decided to do some self-healing work on myself besides applying copious amount of Abreva, drinking tea, and popping vitamin C pills. I will share some of the videos that I was listening to which helped me shift my mood aka parallel realities much more consciously. I have to remind myself to not give so much attention to my emotions. It's almost like a young baby, I am constantly attending to my negative emotions which is really distracting because I deter myself from achieving my goals... and then I really psst off my boyfriend because he doesn't understand why I choose to be this way. I think the reason why I delve into it is because I do want to know why I choose to be sad sometimes. It's werid. It's almost like a grounding feeling in a way to keep me... feeling like a human. It's like a constant reminder almost of what I went through... The positive thing is that I know that's not what I prefer to feel like so I usually bounce back. 

So... through quiet time and meditation... I found out a few things about myself. I believe these are my current themes that I am working on... It's kind of exhausting yet when I get focused it is exhilarating!

1. I have not let go of perfectionism. I am the worst critic of myself. I have let go of judging others but I instead judge myself constantly. It's like I am so aware of everything that I am feeling that I miss the whole point of it all that I am doing. Also, I am developing slight anxiety which is something I again do not prefer. I am anxious about showing people my worth because I fear of possibly being judged. I don't understand because I also then see myself as a third person and wonder... 'what the heck?'

2. Faith. I lack faith in myself. While I see myself as a self-empowered being... my faith in myself sometimes wane. It's like I don't know why but I have faith in everything else but in myself...

3. Receive. All my early part of my life, I felt myself being a great 'giver.' As a child, I innately unconsciously knew how giving would make other people happy which in turn made me happy. But... I never learned how to receive or even ask for help. I was taught to be independent and to do it all on my own. Now when I practise ask and you shall receive! I ask... but I don't allow myself to align with the frequencies of receiving. I realized I keep counteracting what I am asking for... I am learning to believe that I do deserve the things that I want and that it's okay to ask for help. 

4. Relationships. My life has shifted a lot in terms of relationships... In the early years of my life....school-age to teenage years, I was active in forming and maintaining friendships and relationships with people. I was a social butterfly until depression hit me hard all of a sudden. I did not know how to express my feelings and I could not explain myself... I was too darn scared to share my feelings with my friends and so I went on a journey to heal myself through my own ways of doing it. Now, I am learning how to build relationships once again... and it's been interesting. I want to be a better friend and colleague. I just know that I am a great person but I keep holding myself back. 

5. I was listening to a Bashar video on youtube... and it got me thinking that I am very arrogant. :/ Actually, I'm quite stubborn too. In the video, the woman was explaining how she can't possibly make money out of passions - painting and writing. Bashar then told her she is being arrogant because she is singling herself out to be the only person in the universe that cannot have all that she wants to have and be. Which then got me thinking... why I sometimes feel like that too. Why don't I just allow? It's time to allow the possibilities... if you can think it then you can achieve it was a quote I heard of a while ago. Here is that video clip: 

6. Fear of being... judged again. 

7. Eating... cravings... feeling emotional... giving in. Yup, I have realized that I have to go back to straight clean eating. When I did that it gave me clarity.

So I am now going to work on all of this! I have so many goals that I have created this year which will require me to... 

1. Let go of perfectionism and the how. 

2. Have absolute faith. 

3. Be open to receive in all forms because yes means yes and no means yes. 

4. Make connections and share my beingness with others.

5. Not placing myself in any 'special circumstance'... or that I have to be in a different way to be me. 

6. Letting go of fear of judgement. 

7. Eating clean and occasionally indulging on sweets. 

So these are my mental health / emotional goals for the year. So much to do! : ) 

Here are the videos I used for my meditation and healing: 

Arcturian Key Code (Releasing Fear)  

Bashar - Healing & Letting Go with Beethoven 

Bashar - Blue Light Technique of Healing & Letting Go