The other night after I made my post... a glimmer of sparkle appeared in my room. It did catch me off guard as it was high above the wall but I know it was all that was needed for me to see. I gave a quick smile as I realized that as much as I like to sometimes play the 'lonely' game... I know I am not. Why is it so easy to forget our connections daily? I know I am awakening to living this life daily but sometimes in the middle of my thoughts, I forget. I simply forget. It is as if I forget to only discover the pleasures of finding again. It is as if finding and remembering are little packets of gifts that I send to myself... in moments of despair. I guess that's the human life with it's tribulations and challenges. I am thankful that I am connected... I also got the idea or the thought which came to me afterwards that perhaps I have been integrating many aspects of myself.
Hence, it is all within me and the thought of wanting to see it outside of me still harbours on the idea that I don't believe that it is all me or that I am the creator of the my reality and universe. I find so many meanings in every day life... from the smallest things to the larger things. All this knowledge and analyzing and deciphering really makes me appreciate this lifetime here. I am at times just living in my own reality. How lucky am I? But we are all lucky in actuality because we get to play the roles that we always wanted...whether we know it consciously or not.
We play the roles that we play because we believe this is the way or one of the ways to best benefit ourselves and the world. I sometimes feel like we are energy in a petri dish...there but not there. Seen and not seen and only visible to those who know where to look. I am letting my thoughts run right now and this is what I am thinking. I usually try not to edit my thoughts unless for the perusal spelling errors. I like to write down my thoughts because this is what I think about in merely 5 minutes... Imagine all day except for when I am doing my projects or sleeping or socializing. It's fun though! :)
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The reason also why I wanted to post an update today was because I had a strange feeling during noon. I felt like I was hungry? Or... I was not sure but I was thinking about eating a particular type of food. Then suddenly this burst of happiness and energy expanded from my stomach area and upwards towards my face as I suddenly smiled. I cannot really pinpoint exactly if I have felt this kind of energy coming from me before...but it was a warm feeling (not physical) but a warm like feeling that was gentle yet powerful.
It felt like a wave of endorphins rushed over me and I was smiling from side to side. I just wanted to remember this moment because I suddenly now had the moment of clarity that it may of came from something more. I forgot about the chakras but remembered them just now. Indeed I feel like it did come from the third chakra and that is the solar plexus. The solar plexus chakra (Googled link) is where I just learned that is it the centre of our willpower.
Excerpt below taken from link above.
The Solar Plexus Chakra, located between the navel and solar plexus, is the core of our personality, our identity, of our ego.
The third chakra is the center of willpower. While the Sacral chakra seeks pleasure and enjoyment, the third chakra is all about the perception of who you are.
The gift of this chakra is sensing your personal power, being confident, responsible, and reliable.
The third chakra is the center of your self-esteem, your willpower, self-discipline, as well as warmth in your personality.
The energy of this chakra allows you to transform inertia into action and movement. It allows you to meet challenges and mover forward in your life.
Why do I say this? I believe it's because in my belief system. I see that we are the viewers of our lives. Therefore, we are the ones who make the judgements and the condemnation. This does not mean that I allow this to continue happening but I take the moment to think outside of myself. I connect with the bigger meaning and the possible reasons behind the acts. I make a discernment that while this is not cool for me...I will not let it affect my memories and cells. I know human beings are not perfect. In fact, no one is and that is the reality of things.
We do things out of reactive impulses and especially when we are not connected to our true inner selves. We grow up in situations or choose to choose to be in situations sometimes for whatever reason. I don't forget but I choose not to let it affect me daily. I forgive because I choose to cancel out all the karma and the negative energy that comes within harbouring a possible growth in hate, hopelessness, and fear. I love you because if I don't love you then I don't truly love myself. I want to love myself because I know it is a reflection of myself to the universe that I want to embody while I am here.
Could you imagine if we as a whole nation of beings coming together to express sorry, forgiveness, and above all love? Just imagine it for a second... and then increase to 20 seconds. Imagine that and we would be one step closer to what we wish for the world and for our children.
I guess you can say... I think the way you speak to yourself and to others daily make a profound effect in your life. I don't know how to explain the physics of things and I am not going to even start. All I know is... life is an experiment and I like to try things with the most positive intention. It is fun and exciting to me!
When I was young... I never understood the idea of being a monk. I thought...what a waste of time. What is the point of sitting and meditating all day? Why not take action? Why not make a difference? It was also my initial journey of questioning and of why certain things were happening in the world. I was not aware of the idea of 'energy' much less than what I only learned in Grade 8 science about atoms and protons. Why did they not teach us more than that? Why if everything was made up of atomic elements...then why weren't we taught the connection to ourselves? Of course, I understand why. The teachers did not know...they regurgitated what was taught to them or what was in the curriculum. They were young teachers anyways, straight out of university and just doing their job. Why would they question what was already been taught? They may even be judged for bringing elements of their beliefs in their teachings. So, I understand and I forgive them for their circumstances.
I think looking back... I always felt a sense of responsibility. Ever since I was in Grade 4, I always thought of myself as someone who would make a difference in the world. I had such a need to help others and to put myself out there to make a difference. Somehow down the road, I forgot about all that...and I was much more simple minded too back then. I excelled and I was inspiring to my fellow classmates. I'm happy that I was able to inspire them as they would later tell me. I never doubted my confidence and I was never cocky about it. I worked hard. The reason why was because I cared and I worked hard. I was bullied but I never showed hate towards my bullies...I confronted them or remained true to me despite the physical pains. Beneath all of that, I put myself 100% in everything that I did.
And then I forgot. I know I keep mentioning about me forgetting but I did. I forgot who I really was...and I fell into depression. Because I started to doubt myself and compared myself to others. I started to let delusions take over and procrastinate. I lost my sense of childlikeness who believed in everything and in others. I forgot my connection to myself...
Update while re-reading my post: I realized that we cannot blame others for what we do not know and did not know at that time. It is our responsibility to seek the answers that speak our truth and to remember our connection to others and ourselves.
But monks do make a difference in the world. They balance out all the negative energy that is spread in pockets of the world... in face they envelop a blanket over all of this and putting out an energy of love, peace, and compassion. Look at the Dalai lama and you will know what I mean. Everyone plays an important role no matter how big or small. I now realize that this is so important...and so I am thankful for those who put away their materials needs to benefit the humankind. I won't be a monk in this lifetime but I'm sure a part of my multidimensional self has been.
That's the thing... it's about connecting and remembering our multidimensional selves. When we are able to recognize this we will realize that everything is us. If we speak loving kind words to everything, we are speaking loving kind words to ourselves. Whatever happened in the past is the past and as cliche as that sounds it is literally in the past. I think I have been through a lot...there's a lot of secrets that for sure could of overtaken my life story but I don't choose to live in that victimhood. Why? It is too tiring to be in that life... that is why. I just want to explore my best potential. Just remember, everyone is or has gone through shit. It is never as easy as it seems and if it was you I hope you remember how much you've gone through and how much you are loved.
But alas, I'm happy that I still have memories of my younger self which I am choosing some to shape my over identity. I do believe that we are always changing and growing. In fact, I do not like stability. I feel like stability to me means that I am constantly changing and growing. I do feel like I do not live the life of many others... in fact I am coming into terms with this. I chose to live the life that I want to and I need to keep going. :)
I completely went off tangent but that's okay. I write this to remind myself of what I was like and where I am. I write this as a mental note that everything's going to be okay. And if it does help someone...then I am very thankful for this.
I just want to note a few videos that I have been watching just today to put together some of my thoughts. I hope you'll give them a try.
Goosebump Feelings from these videos:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHcZjk0YtKs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5xZyvbxUeY
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